What do I do when I can’t just let it go?
We get really attached to our things. Whether it’s a physical piece of property, a relationship, an emotion, or something distinctive about ourselves, we get attached to the way that thing makes us feel and we create an identity around it. Then we subconsciously worry that if we let it go, we lose a defining piece of ourselves.
We all have personality structures called Egos, which are made up of our likes and dislikes, our standards, morals and beliefs. The Ego doesn’t define who we actually are though, it’s simply a bundle of beliefs that help us establish who we think we are. There are both conscious and unconscious beliefs that make up the Ego structure. The conscious bits support our positive concepts of self. “I’m so sexy”, “I’m an athlete”, “I make tons of money and I’m successful”, “I’m a good mother”, etc. Whatever you identify with helps you to orient in time and space. Contrary to some popular schools of thought that teach you that the Ego is terrible, it’s not. We need our Ego alive and well because it guides us in important ways.
The parts of the Ego that can really nail us though are our latent beliefs. These are the “facts” we don’t want to see, or don’t even know exist at all. Maybe you're a victim or a people pleaser, maybe you’re the angry one or the scapegoat. When we have unconscious beliefs about our roles, we act within those roles and create scenarios in our lives that reflect our repressed beliefs back to us.
If we identify as the victim, then we will find ourselves victimized regularly. If we identify as the people pleaser, then we find ourselves in relationships in which we get to come to the rescue and “help” all the time. Even when we identify with roles that make us uncomfortable, we play the parts anyway because we aren’t aware of our repetitive behaviors.
So now, back to letting go. The reason it’s so hard to let go is because like any identification, we think the pain is who we are. When a lover wrongs us, the pain they caused us feels so deeply personal because it triggers a subconscious personality structure around‘being the victim’. Im the victim and people always take advantage of me and hurt me and abandon me (and as a result, I’m angry and I’m mad at myself for letting this happen again etc).
Ideally, we’d like to let those beliefs and their corresponding emotions go right? The roadblock here is that if you let it go, you’re no longer a victim and you no longer have reason to be angry and resentful. But then who are you?
So this is about really examining the scenarios in your life that you’re unable to just drop and let go of. What are the core beliefs behind them? Who are you if you begin to release your attachment to playing that particular role? Who are you without the underlying emotions that these roles cause you to need to hold on to?
It’s time to start getting honest and being accountable. If you want to shift, it will require becoming aware of your subconscious role playing. If you would like some help and guidance with this, I am currently taking private clients. Fill out the form at the bottom of this page and sign up for an initial call with me. You can tell me about yourself and we can see if we’re a good fit for one another.
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